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Arousal is not Consent
Aarti was listless; she could not leave her bed in the morning.
She stopped going to school; she stopped talking to people;
she showed no interest in food and barely ate. Her parents just
could not understand what was happening to her. What they
did not know was that Aarti had stopped believing in herself.
She just could not trust herself anymore.
It had started with the rape. Or was it rape? Aarti could
not understand anything anymore. The man, Raaghav, was
her senior in college. The curiosity of what a man looked like
had started the whole episode. But then, she had wanted to
stop. She had not wanted to let him touch her body, let alone
have intercourse. But Raaghav had told her that her body was
saying something different. When he saw that her nipples were
erect, he had said that her body wanted to have sex. When he
saw that her vagina was wet, he said that she wanted to have
intercourse. This was in spite of her repeatedly saying that she
did not want to have sex. Raghaav had not listened to her. He
just kept on saying that her body was saying something very
different. Her body wanted sex. And so he decided to give it
to her.
According to Raaghav, he had not raped her. Aarti could not
understand anything anymore. She was seriously considering
getting rid of this body of hers that had betrayed her at the
most crucial time of her life. Yes, suicide seemed to be the only
answer.
Aarti’s elder sister, Jaya, came over for a few days. She had
brought along Aarti’s favourite sweet pickle. This was her
way of trying to get Aarti to become interested in food, in life
again. The smell of the boiling pickle was always a comforting
smell for both sisters. As Jaya spooned small batches of pickle
into glass jars, Aarti followed her movements. Aarti’s mouth
started to water. She even started to drool from one side of her
mouth. Jaya placed a bowl of pickle in front of Aarti. “Here,
eat the pickle.”
But Aarti did not want to eat pickle. She was worried that it
would aggravate her pimples. “No. I am not hungry. I do not
want to eat them.”
“But your mouth has been watering for so long! You are even
drooling. Your body wants to eat the pickles. Eat them”
“No. No. No. No! I said I do not want to eat the pickles. And
no means no!” Aarti started to quiver. She broke down into
sobs, and told her elder sister about what had happened.
Jaya was shocked. “Raaghav raped you?” Aarti now
understood. Even if her body gave different indications, when
she said she did not want to go any further, it simply meant
that. She did not consent. No means no.
Raaghav was wrong. He had indeed raped her. When
people are sexually excited, they get aroused. This, for a man,
might mean that he gives off the smell of musk, and he gets
an erection. For a woman, it means that her nipples may get
stiff, and a mucosal liquid may be released around her vagina.
However, these signs are not the same as consent. Lubrication
of the vagina is a defense mechanism of the body. It prevents
abrasion of the vagina. The vagina will be lubricated even when
there is no consent, even if one feels that one is being raped.
Even during violent rape cases, the vagina may be lubricated.
Perhaps, surprising to many, even men can get an erection
and may ejaculate while they are raped. This does not mean
that they enjoyed or had consented to being raped. Sexual
stimulation often causes arousal. It has nothing to do with
consent.
Consent is a very difficult topic to understand. Is someone
simply being shy and saying no, or is it nervousness that is
making them say no? Do they really mean no when they say
no?
As a society, we often don’t recognise the significance of
consent. Parents force their children to study further whether
children like it or not. Relatives force food upon guests,
families often try to force their ‘values’ and lifestyles upon
younger generations.
There are many things to think about when talking
about consent. Sometimes, guys are falsely accused of rape.
Sometimes, they do not realise that consent is required. For
example, consent is very important even between married
couples. Otherwise, seeds of mistrust develop in the
relationship and destroy it.
It is important to note that consent for sex given while one
is intoxicated is not considered as real consent by the law. A
child under the age of 18 cannot give consent for sex.
Date rape is a crime where the person who forces sexual
relationships with the victim is someone that the victim
knows, has agreed to spend time with or has a relationship
with. Agreeing to go out on a date or even agreeing to have
a physical relationship is not the same as consenting to have
intercourse.
Aarti was listless; she could not leave her bed in the morning.
She stopped going to school; she stopped talking to people;
she showed no interest in food and barely ate. Her parents just
could not understand what was happening to her. What they
did not know was that Aarti had stopped believing in herself.
She just could not trust herself anymore.
It had started with the rape. Or was it rape? Aarti could
not understand anything anymore. The man, Raaghav, was
her senior in college. The curiosity of what a man looked like
had started the whole episode. But then, she had wanted to
stop. She had not wanted to let him touch her body, let alone
have intercourse. But Raaghav had told her that her body was
saying something different. When he saw that her nipples were
erect, he had said that her body wanted to have sex. When he
saw that her vagina was wet, he said that she wanted to have
intercourse. This was in spite of her repeatedly saying that she
did not want to have sex. Raghaav had not listened to her. He
just kept on saying that her body was saying something very
different. Her body wanted sex. And so he decided to give it
to her.
According to Raaghav, he had not raped her. Aarti could not
understand anything anymore. She was seriously considering
getting rid of this body of hers that had betrayed her at the
most crucial time of her life. Yes, suicide seemed to be the only
answer.
Aarti’s elder sister, Jaya, came over for a few days. She had
brought along Aarti’s favourite sweet pickle. This was her
way of trying to get Aarti to become interested in food, in life
again. The smell of the boiling pickle was always a comforting
smell for both sisters. As Jaya spooned small batches of pickle
into glass jars, Aarti followed her movements. Aarti’s mouth
started to water. She even started to drool from one side of her
mouth. Jaya placed a bowl of pickle in front of Aarti. “Here,
eat the pickle.”
But Aarti did not want to eat pickle. She was worried that it
would aggravate her pimples. “No. I am not hungry. I do not
want to eat them.”
“But your mouth has been watering for so long! You are even
drooling. Your body wants to eat the pickles. Eat them”
“No. No. No. No! I said I do not want to eat the pickles. And
no means no!” Aarti started to quiver. She broke down into
sobs, and told her elder sister about what had happened.
Jaya was shocked. “Raaghav raped you?” Aarti now
understood. Even if her body gave different indications, when
she said she did not want to go any further, it simply meant
that. She did not consent. No means no.
Raaghav was wrong. He had indeed raped her. When
people are sexually excited, they get aroused. This, for a man,
might mean that he gives off the smell of musk, and he gets
an erection. For a woman, it means that her nipples may get
stiff, and a mucosal liquid may be released around her vagina.
However, these signs are not the same as consent. Lubrication
of the vagina is a defense mechanism of the body. It prevents
abrasion of the vagina. The vagina will be lubricated even when
there is no consent, even if one feels that one is being raped.
Even during violent rape cases, the vagina may be lubricated.
Perhaps, surprising to many, even men can get an erection
and may ejaculate while they are raped. This does not mean
that they enjoyed or had consented to being raped. Sexual
stimulation often causes arousal. It has nothing to do with
consent.
Consent is a very difficult topic to understand. Is someone
simply being shy and saying no, or is it nervousness that is
making them say no? Do they really mean no when they say
no?
As a society, we often don’t recognise the significance of
consent. Parents force their children to study further whether
children like it or not. Relatives force food upon guests,
families often try to force their ‘values’ and lifestyles upon
younger generations.
There are many things to think about when talking
about consent. Sometimes, guys are falsely accused of rape.
Sometimes, they do not realise that consent is required. For
example, consent is very important even between married
couples. Otherwise, seeds of mistrust develop in the
relationship and destroy it.
It is important to note that consent for sex given while one
is intoxicated is not considered as real consent by the law. A
child under the age of 18 cannot give consent for sex.
Date rape is a crime where the person who forces sexual
relationships with the victim is someone that the victim
knows, has agreed to spend time with or has a relationship
with. Agreeing to go out on a date or even agreeing to have
a physical relationship is not the same as consenting to have
intercourse.